Sucking it up....

I decided to do the show. I am still feeling a little low about it because I really wanted Arlene and I know I would have rocked the part. I am also worried about how much singing I will get to do but I have been reassured by Marie that I will be doing a lot of singing. I am not so sure because it doesn't seem like that kind of a show, but it may be that there is more chorus stuff that just isn't on the soundtrack.

The way my musical theatre experience has played out in Edmonton so far has really messed with my self-image. In Fort McMurray I was what Judy is here. I haven't been able to show that and I thought this would be the role. There is something liberating about being able to recreate yourself, but I hate that I feel like that in doing so I have lost a big part of my self-identity. El Muchacho was something, but it wasn't the kind of stuff I do best, this show would have been. There is also something exhausting about having to pay my dues again when I have been doing this stuff since 1982. What is that? 25 years? Yikes!

Oh well, I am sucking it up (though it may not seem that way). Both Magnolia and Shelby are on board and it will be great to see them on a more regular basis. I can tell you, there will be no room for diva-crap from the leads in this show... not with so many talented people in the ensemble... I know I won't stand for it.

No Man is an Island, but it's so much easier when we pretend to be...

Despite my intention to "live purposefully and without regrets" I find myself wondering about my purpose and regretting an attempt to be understood. Today I tried to let someone in on some stuff that had been bothering me for quite awhile (the stuff bothering me was not with that person but with another person we are both close to). Unfortunately for all involved I did it by email (I advise against this) and I ended up not only failing to achieve my purpose, but I also hurt them, which was not my intention.

Thus I now have regrets. I have "I feel sick to my stomach" regrets. I am not sure how to deal with this. Do we keep everything to ourselves and create our own personal island? I am not sure. I guess we could talk an objective outsider, but that doesn't offer any solutions other than venting. I have no interest in having an "outsider" understand me better. I do want the people in my life to understand me better and to understand why I act certain ways in certain situations. So if you can't reach out to them to say "this is me, these experiences changed and shaped me and continue to affect how I view and interact with the world; you know me, I need you to know me better" - If you can't tell them without hurting them too, what can you do?

I don't want to hurt people, but I don't want to live in a superficial world where I pretend everything is okay when it isn't.

I don't know.