Crying - Still Fat

Okay. So I haven't had the best week. This is primarily because I have been sick all week and that has been in combination with one or both of the boys being sick at the same time. So the "illness" factor has really messed me up. And it hasn't been a "just the sniffles" cold. I feel CRAPPY. So, in an effort to feel better in at least one part of my body, I ate poorly (my mouth was happy for a bit of time). I knew it would have an impact. Intellectually I was not beating myself up, but I knew that when I went to the WW meeting my number would be up and not down. So why was I crying when I was up 1.4 lbs? ... I think it is because I had made this committment to myself about eating and exercise. That I was going to make it a priority, and the first 2 weeks were good (not spectacular - but good), but the rest of my life keeps getting in the way of my priority. Whether it is having social engagments that revolve around food, or M being late at the store because of computer troubles so I don't get on the treadmill, or a cold/flu that completely destroys me for a week --> I feel like there is something in my way, and it feels like a COSMIC THING. I really hate being as heavy as I am. Never mind other people judging me, I judge myself. The excuses sound lame, even to me, and they are MY excuses, but there they are. I find it so much work, and I am tired, and I know that even when (not if - when) I do lose the weight, the work doesn't stop. Because if I stop working at it, I will gain it back like I did the last time and I will feel like a double failure. It is sad that I feel worthless overall in my life because of this one thing. It negates so many other things that I am that are positives. It shouldn't, but it does.

On a positive note (ha ha), I found out that I did get into the Playwright's Lab with Marty Chan. I await instructions eagerly. I hope that I can get what I need out of it.