What you want to do? Isn't that what I said?

This past summer I directed two shows at Fringe, one of which I wrote (Little Monsters) and one written by my friend Anne Marie Szucs (Crack). Over the last several weeks a few lines from the latter have been rattling in my head, making me think hard about what my time is filled by.

     ANGELA: Sometimes I wish there were 2 of me - just to do everything I want to do.
     PAM: What you want to do.
     ANGELA: Yes. Isn't that what I said?
     CHRISTINE: Pam.
     PAM: Sometimes I think you do what everyone else wants you to do – Andy, the kids, church.  Where do you fit into the list?

I find myself coming back to that question... what is it I want to be doing?  I have many things I 'have' to do.  Some are things I have put in place, some are work or store related, some are volunteer commitments, some are things that people have asked me to do and I couldn't say no to...  I would say that most of them are things I like doing, even enjoy doing, but I think the big problem is that I am just finding more and more that there are simply too many things.  I know this because the thing I wish I was doing the most - writing - is not getting done.  It is the thing that gets pushed to the back burner by all the other stuff. 

I'm trying to clear the decks a little bit.  Some of the obligations will take longer to clear up.  Some will never go away because they are related to the children and you can't just absolve yourself of them once you have them. But I do intend to take some time to write this year, AND I do plan on getting onstage this year.  Those are my two 'Things I Want to Do' that I will make happen in between all the other things I have to do. And if you catch me saying to myself, what do I want to do, know that this is what's running through my head. 

The Ubiquitous End of Year Post... My Year in Review

2011 Here it goes. For more detail, of course, you can flip through the whole Blog, but I know that I wrote more sparsely at different times of the year and sometimes my writing was motivated more by the emotional state of my life than the actual events. So a look back seems to bring out the significance in what happened this year.

Theatrical Events:
It was busy in 2011. The first half of the year I wrapped up my tenure as AD of Walterdale. I started the season knee-deep in Rabbit Hole and I think that will always be one of the most satisfying directorial experiences of my life. I had challenges that fed my personal needs. I had a terrific cast, production team and crew. I had to make some tough decisions. I had a script that I really wanted to serve and I think I did that. I also complicated my life by overlapping rehearsals for that show with The Threepenny Opera. I enjoyed doing that show. It too had elements that really made me work. The music in that show was some of the most challenging I have ever sung. Like G & S, Weill is not in my wheelhouse, meaning I had to work. So many fabulous people and it was great to be onstage in the season. I confess, I was trying to find a way to do as much as I could before the end of my tenure. So that led into my first 'real' set design for Village of Idiots. I was more nervous about that than any acting or directing job I have ever done. I worked with the wonderful Linette Smith in a kind of full-circle sort of way (she directed Steel Magnolias which was my second show at Walterdale, but the one where I really knew I was home). The summer meant Fringe and this year I was so happy to re-visit and re-draft Pieces. I was thrilled with the response form both critics and audiences. I can tell you quite honestly that the sounds of sniffling audiences makes me very happy. I also really enjoyed working with my cast and Team. The luxury of doing your own Fringe show is picking the people you want to work with. I was happy with our picks. I was also happy with the new draft as I felt that it was so much closer to the story I wanted to tell. Fall rolled into A Little Night Music at Festival Place. Another wonderful new family and the joy of singing Sondheim. And then I wrapped up the year as Master Painter for Wyrd Sisters at Walterdale. This was a fun challenge as I did not have my mentor, Joan, on hand so I had to solve the painting mystery myself and I also brought my kids on board to be my crew. Someday I see Gibson as having the potential to be an excellent set painter. Oliver might be too, if he gets paid, but I doubt he has the patience for detail work.

Educational Events:
I did Drama 209 first semester and Drama 257 second semester. Drama 209 is the second theatre history course at the U of A and you travel from just after Shakespeare to Ibsen. I really enjoyed it and find that aside from the essays I really love theatre history. Good thing I kick major butt on the exams! Drama 257 is scene study and while I really enjoyed the class, particularly my classmates, it really made me ask questions about what I was doing at University. I haven't fully answered this question but I was frustrated because although I enjoyed the course I didn't really learn anything I didn't already know. It did remind me that I was lazy about some of the character prep work that I could be doing. It also shook up my approach to objectives and tactics because I think I do them a lot more instinctively and less formally and really they are so useful, but it was more like a refresher course than an eye-opener. It is making me re-think my second semester choice. Outside of University I went to Playworks Ink in the Fall and for one very short weekend I was reminded of how much I love writing and how little time I put into it. I have so many plays I need to write. I need to make time for that writing. I don't. I need to.

Personal/Family/All the Rest:
* This year we said goodbye to Smeep, our beloved cat. This was very hard for me. She was a wonderful member of our family. I still expect her to greet me when I come home and the bumps and thumps in the night have no explanation any more. We had her longer than Oliver.
* Oliver and Gibson started basketball and for half a year it took over our lives. Well, mine anyhow. I have a better idea of how it works now and know that it means the Fall will be challenging for scheduling in other activities, but it has been very cool to watch Oliver grow as a player and start to think like a team player and an athlete.
*My cousin Margaret got married and I got to travel on my own to San Francisco/Berkley for a great family reunion - too short, as always.
* I taught my first (hopefully of many) Workshop By Request in Calmar. It was on Giving and Receiving Direction and I had so much fun with this wonderful group who have a fabulous attitude towards what they do.
* I did not gain weight, but I haven't really significantly lost any. This has to change. I am working on trying to streamline my life so that I am doing only the projects I want to do and therefore can have enough to be happy and not too much so that I can't work more on my physical shape. I just don't want that whole diet and fitness thing to take over my life. I think that would depress me and make me want to eat... I did lose 10 lbs in the last 10 weeks of 2011 and have a great support group online with my extended family. So hopefully I can continue this momentum into the new year. I am comfortable with 10 lbs in 10 weeks. It's not crazy. It's realistic.
* I did not write as much as I would have liked. This is also about time. I need to make the time for it. Pieces was a lovely opportunity and I do have a half a draft I was supposed to finish for December 15th to send to Daniel MacIvor. I need to finish that and do more. I must.

It's been a good year.

Busy Week - then I get serious about writing!!!!

This Friday I will be onstage for the Drama 483 scene I am in. I am enjoying the people I am working with and my director is positive and organized. We run too much, but that's my knees talking. Oliver has an additional basketball practice tonight to help get the team in better shape before Saturday's game. I have dress rehearsal for my midterm Drama 257 presentation tomorrow and I have to get a handle on it. I am doing it okay, but I want to be far more 'in' than I feel. I also have this tiny monologue that is kicking my butt for some bizarre reason. Once this week is over I shall have some breathing room. Hopefully I will no longer be sick (it's hanging on - grrr) and I will get to writing.

At least that's the plan. In the view of my lack of focus recently I am trying to figure out where I want to go. If I am honest with myself it is the writing. However, I do enjoy the acting and directing, as well, and feel that those things enrich my writing, but the time they take interferes. I might have to scale back. I cannot just NOT do the Mom stuff and the Store stuff because the kids would suffer and we have to pay the bills, so the areas I need to cut back on are in acting. I am committed to, and excited about Nine, so I will be ready for that, but I will work hard to ignore other offers until then. I will also think carefully about what I want to do in terms of writing workshops. I want to do this intentionally, with purpose and quality. I cannot do it on the fly or in tiny bits and pieces. It might be time to think about applying for grants...

Theatre as Writing Workshop

Tonight I took in Michel and Ti-Jean at Theatre Network. It was a very well-executed production of George Rideout's play with a gorgeous set, pitch-perfect soundscape and phenomenal acting. The script itself doesn't follow a traditional arc - it's an imaginary meeting between Michel Tremblay and Jack Kerouac - but instead becomes a very cool formula for a lesson in storytelling. I have to recommend this for any writer. I have to. It still has my brain buzzing with ideas about storytelling and character. There's more to it than that. The analysis of Les Belles Souers is the absolute best and should be required viewing for anyone taking a Canadian theatre course. Brian Dooley as Kerouac and Vincent Hoss-Demarais as Tremblay are exceptional actors and have true chemistry together onstage.

I feel lucky to live in this city. I have seen so much good theatre this season and it is only the second week of October!

Sunset, Sunrise...

A Little Night Music closed yesterday. It felt strange. Closing on a Sunday Matinee never really feels like a closing, but it was. I loved doing this show. I really enjoyed the character and the music and although I would have loved to sing more than I did in the show, considering how much I had on the go, it was probably a good thing I didn't! I also loved working with the cast. There were only 16 of us on the stage and we also had a nice close-knit crew. It was a delight. The best of theatrical experiences! It is now done and I have only the memories...

So now what? I have my class and I am getting started with my school volunteering. I am also waiting to find out when the boys activities will be so I can plan the rest of my life. Today was a bit of a write off. I did get some stuff done, but I am very, very tired from the last week. Exhausted. Tomorrow will be better. I have an audition tomorrow night that I need to prepare for and a props drop at the theatre that I need to look after. The rest of the week is pretty slow so that is good. I have some writing deadlines that I am waaaaay behind on. On to the next project, right? Just have to figure out what that is...

Back to School Preparations...

We are one week from the return to school for the boys and a little bit longer for me. Now that Fringe is done I have to go through all their stuff that they brought home last June and see what I need to get. It is irritating to buy a new set of pencil crayons every fall when I know we have a huge box of half used ones at home. I think I might spend some time sorting through those and the crayons and saving some money instead of buying new ones. Don't call me cheap - call me frugal. I hate the waste!! I know they also brought home some duo tangs and loose leaf paper and Oliver has a binder that is immaculate. I'd like to reduce the purchases as much as possible.

For my school I have a list of nothing. I am doing scene study (Drama 257) so there are no texts on the list and I think I probably just need to dress to move. I am at a disadvantage there since I do not move as well as those 20 year olds, but I will do my best.

I am debating auditioning for a couple of projects this Fall. I do not want to get swamped and I want space to write. It will have to be the right project with the right people. I want to work on things where I learn... I also don't want to fill up the time and then find I am unable to do something amazing that might come along later. So, I think I have to wait for the right thing... I really should be writing more...

Night Music picks up again this week and goes into high gear next week. Sitz Probe on Wednesday and rehearsals on both Saturday and Sunday. I really need to review my lines. I know that next week will be challenging but luckily we (as a cast) are in good shape and I know we will all support Elizabeth as she finds her Desiree and moves into the show.

Today I spent some time with Gibson alone at the Telus World of Science while Oliver went fishing with Grandpa. Apparently Dad fell in the water and the fishing was not great, but Oliver had a good time and is getting quite good at casting. That's pretty cool. Gibson enjoyed having me to himself and spending my money!

Feeling Artistically Full... In a Good Way...

Tonight I started learning my Mrs. Peachum music for The Threepenny Opera. It went fast and it's all recorded for practice in the car and it felt so very, very good to sing again. I felt like I was slipping on an old favorite coat that I had stuck in the closet but hadn't worn for a while. It felt good. It's just the learning stage - getting familiar with the notes and the words and the tempos and all that and I have by no means mastered the songs, but it still felt good.

All in all I am having a good week artistically. I am so pleased with Rabbit Hole and where we are at and what I am seeing. We were off book for Act one last night and it was really very good. A month out and off book and even though 'line' was called, it was all present and there was some really powerful emotional stuff happening. I am searching for the balance for my actors of making sure they have enough rehearsal to be ready while not over-working them so that they are emotionally exhausted. We have tread slowly through this script for a reason. It is a big journey for all of them and I have a cast of perfectionists who will beat themselves up. I don't want them to do that. I want to give them the time and the tools so they are ready to handle it. The script requires immense emotional commitment so I need to help them separate so they are not burnt out. I have ideas for that. But I am, for now, happy with where we are at and looking forward to next Monday when we are off book for Act Two and then we just massage this puppy.

This weekend I will be meeting with Anne Marie to discuss the Fringe spot. I need to put some time into seeing what I have to bring as options for us. I have a couple of pieces in progress and some ideas outside my own work and something I have written a lot of *in my head* that I need to get out. I have until Sunday. I should be feeling rushed on this, but I don't. I know that she has some things too, and between the two of us we will find something we want to do.

I just feel blessed to have so much filling me artistically right now. I am lucky.

I looked back... now to the future...

Already there are some things in the works for this year, but I am going to try to control the shape of my year better. Last year was great, but there was a tumble, tumble to it because each project or commitment rolled into the next and I felt like I had no down time. Even when I had a few days off I felt guilty if I didn't work on things I knew were coming up and I want to avoid that this year. Wish me luck.

My resolutions, if you want to call them that, as as follows:

1. Think carefully about what I commit to. I am avoiding taking much responsibility for the fact that it is my 25th High School Reunion (if we have one). I will help but I will not chair. Hopefully I will be able to attend, but I have some things on the table already for the summer so I can't be responsible for anything else. I also planned the first two. I was Chair for the 10th and heavily involved for the 20th (and the only one of the committee actually living in Fort McMurray so you know how that goes). I want to see everyone, but someone else should step up. With theatre I will also have to watch it. Right now I have a crazy February. My fault. I wasn't paying attention. I am going to be more careful about what I commit to for the rest of the year, including when 'my' show for Walterdale will be in the 2010-2011 season. Another part of this thinking carefully is that I will trust my instincts and say 'no' when the hairs on the back of my neck stand up. Despite the allure of the project one of the things I have learned is that there will be no shortage of opportunities for me in the future. I don't have to do them all!

2. Fitness. I should set a concrete goal. But really I have to just start. I have let my personal fitness slide because of the chaos of my life (i.e. no time). I turned to crap food too often because I needed a reward and I had no time for a pedicure or a vacation. Bad. Oh well, I am not going to beat myself up about it, because then I will feel bad and want to eat more. Right now (like this minute) I am trying to detox from all the Christmas crap and I am not buying any more. I am also going to start by getting on the treadmill for a minimum of 1 hour a day for 3 days a week. In March I will increase that to 4 times a week and in April I will go for 5 times a week. That's the plan. I am also going to be attempting to reduce the diet coke intake. Already I have increased my water intake (it's not hard to increase from basically zero). In April I will revisit and see where I am at.

3. Writing. I really want to have more time for writing. I am keeping October open so that I can go to Playworks Ink. I missed it the last 2 years and I loved it the year I went. In my busy life that is what I wish I had more time for so I must make time for it... after February is over...

4. Friendships. I think I am pretty good at these, but I do want to make at least one trip to see Wanda and I wouldn't mind a trip to Toronto to see Annemarie and Tina. I feel like I need to make that time.

That's a good list. I'll let you know how it goes!

Hopes and Dreams for November...

On paper, this October was and continues to be one of the busiest months I have had in a long time. Keep in mind I am a naturally busy person, so imagine what a really, really busy month is for me. I will be glad when this month is over. I am going to endeavour to minimize adding things to November outside Black Hearts and the commitments I have for the boys and the one or two social events I have to go to. AM and I scaled back on meeting for our writing until the middle of the month so that helps and there are no 50th Anniversary Galas, nor shows to work Box Office coming up. I hope to keep Mondays and Wednesday nights free to decompress. I hope to write on Tuesday afternoons. I hope that our P/T Pharmacist is sufficiently recovered from his surgery to return to work so that I don't feel like the managing of the house and children is on my shoulders 80% of the time. I hope to get my hair cut and coloured sometime in November and I hope to feel well enough to at least get back on the treadmill 3X a week. I think the health thing is slowly resolving. I am at about 75% right now so that is a good thing. I hope that if I need to meet for my drama class, that we can meet on Tues and Thurs afternoon so I don't have to make another trip to the University and pay for parking on a different day. I hope that the other people in my life stay healthy, and get their crap dealt with so I don' t have to drop additional responsibilities into a very busy life that I carefully schedule and coordinate so that I don't feel swamped. I hope that Mark starts to use the organizational system (5th times the charm!) I have set up to minimize the paper explosions in our home and therefore the chaos in our lives. I will likely not see everything I want to in regards to theatre this month, but I will get to what I can and that will be that. I shouldn't feel bad about not getting to everything. There is just so much to go to and only so much time.

Back to School Time...

I now have everything arranged for 'back to school'. I never heard back from the Before School Care place, despite going in twice and speaking to 2 different people. I also didn't get the best feeling about the place (noisy, disorganized, funny smell...) so I started to look for another option. I started to think about the bus for Oliver and I investigated and that is what we are doing. The benefits are a consistent start time in the morning (Mark will drop off on his days and he will get to work earlier), way cheaper (French Immersion is a 'special program' not offered at my community school so the bus rate is about 1/2 what you would regularly pay), and I can still pick Oliver up after school. I think Tuesdays will still be tight for travel time, but I will make it work (somehow!).

I am also lining up what I want to be doing this Fall. There seems to be so many opportunities and unfortunately talking about possibilities with friends has leaked things out to people who may want me (I was approached by an ELOPE Board member with an 'I heard you were interested...') and I am not sure exactly what I want to be doing. I wish all the offers came at the same time... but they trickle in and you have to decide on one before you get the next and then if that's what you'd rather be doing you are stuck unless you want to be super-busy. I have a few Boards to decide on, and I am waiting to hear about helping with an Independent Production and I am meeting to see about how I could contribute to ArtStart. I am also starting the University course and I really want to get in shape, eat better and WRITE (alone and with AM). The good thing is, I am planning it out. I have a weekly schedule started and I am looking at how it all fits together. Maybe it is a good thing that the boys are on wait lists for swimming at the YMCA... Two less things to worry about...

My Playwrighting Lab

Tonight I started my Playwrighting Lab (with Marty Chan from the APN). It was primarily a "getting to know you" type of thing. There are 10 of us and Marty, but one woman didn't show up. It is really great to meet other playwrights and talk about playwrighting and I hope we will talk about producing plays once they are written. We also got our assignments. I have bought a bit of time because my project is primarily conceptual right now. I have about 2 months to get a first draft put together. The cool thing is I had to tell the group what I was writing about so I had to articulate it, aloud, so they could hear me, and this made me think about the script much more concretely than I have been. I have been having trouble writing what I want to write, but when i spoke about it, it pushed me somehow. So I came home and wrote about 5 pages. That was good. And I worked on the outline. I am using the "get the crap out" method and I will take out stuff later. I just need to write it all down first. If it gets too convoluted or unfocused I can focus it later. I can't sit around and wait until the perfect words come to me. I know that I will definitely need multiple drafts of this baby so I should just start with the raw material and then I can start moulding it and taking away the waste. It was an inspiring night.

The other thing that pushes me is that I could tell from the round table sharing that mine was the least complete play. Most people have their first draft and are working on the second. Some are further along than that. I think it suggested to me that I needed to kick my own butt and start writing! Good thing I am so competitive.

I also LOVED, LOVED, LOVED that all 9 of the plays were so different. It will be refreshing to read them and give feedback. I think that everyone will offer different perspectives on the writing and hopefully it will add dimension to the script that I write. I know it is far more ambitious than anything I have done so far.

A bit of this, a bit of that...

This weekend are the auditions for the One Acts. I will wait anxiously and let you know what happens. It is out of my hands. Now I should really start writing something new. I don't think I have been too bad at it, since I have two scripts "completed" in less than a year. Both were One Acts, though, and I really think I should try and get a full length script completed. Last year I made the goal of having a script to submit for APN's competition. That means I have less than 2 months to get another script written. Can I do it? Hey, if I try and I don't finish, then at least I will have part of a script written and I can go from there. Since the whole "deadline" aspect seems to work for me - I should run with it.

Went to see Les Liaisons Dangereuses at the Walterdale the other night. It was good. Some general line fumble that I will add up to the difficulty of the script and the nerves of opening night, but it was good. The lead, Valmont, was really strong. He knew how to embody the character and play the conflict of the character so that you believed him at the end. Tourvel was really strong, too. I hope I am not biased in this assessment, but I was hoping she would be good and then she was (yay!). It was a nice evening. And, since I am not a professional critic, and who knows who reads this, I will refrain from mentioning any flaws in the production. If I am not up there on stage, putting myself out there to deal with the challenges of the script, who am I to criticize? Besides, I have seen two other productions of the show so I may be biased by what I have seen before.

Oh yeah, ATCO had to change the gas meter to bring it up to code. They made the appointment for 12-2 p.m. and then showed up at 2 minutes to 2:00. Hmmmm. I was a little ticked off, because there are things I could have been doing with my afternoon that I couldn't do because I had to wait around for they guy. Now Gibby is sleeping and I can't go and do anything out of the house.

To Hear My Own Words....

Last night was the "table read" for Pieces. We held it at Marsha's place and it was an opportunity for she and I to hear the play before auditions. I was a bit nervous and I realized a couple of pages in that I could feel butterflies in my stomach. It was so gratifying to hear the play aloud. I was gratified to learn that it works (at least from my perspective). There was some interesting discussion afterwards that was valuable and reaffirming. It is tough to "put yourself out there", but so rewarding when it works. I am glad that my readers were so good. I tried to invite those I thought would do justice to a cold read. Many fine actors are not great readers. I am fully intending to hand it over to Marsha with the direction and I want to observe as playwright only. It will be hard, but I need to give it away and see if it works. I now pray for excellent actors to audition and be available so that it can be realized. I hope that I have made the characters real enough that it will not require super-human qualities to pull it off successfully. That is what I tried to do.

I can't believe I wrote the whole thing....

Okay, so that lastest play took me 3 days from starting to finish and that was only a couple of hours each day. I can't believe it. It is so satisfaying to finish even a part of a play, but to actually finish a whole one so quickly makes me feel really good! Yay! I keep this up and I may have plays coming out of my... ears! I do find that I do better with a specific assignment. The plays in progress that I have partially written (and have had for months to years) are all my own, with no indicated audience and no parameters set by someone else. I think that is what holds me up. The task is far more daunting because I don't know the guidelines of the assignment. I have always been good at homework --> I think I need to define my own homework assignment with the criteria required if I am ever going to complete those works. What do you think?

Off to the Movies then home to finish my play...

Hey Y'all! Sometimes all I need is to start. I have thought and thought about the competition for Storybook theatre in Calgary and did a little research and mapped out some ideas for about 2 weeks, but nothing was written down. I kept leaving it and did other things. You know, games, they will kill me for taking up my time when I should be more productive. Anyhow, last night I got down to it. I looked at the calendar and realized that I have 11 days if I wanted to get it done so I had better start. I actually wrote about 15 pages last night. I figure I can really push tonight and get to about 20-25. It is hard to judge length on it because of the physical stuff in the script, but I am trying to imagine and guesstimate. In any case, I did a dramatic amount of work just by pushing through it. Plus it isn't half bad. I thought about it and decided that if I wrote "crap" I could always edit it out later. The main thing was to write it in the first place!

So now we are off to a movie, thanks to Grandma Strand and then I will try and finish the script tonight so I can send it out to my lovely "readers" who always help me when I send them things to read and comment on!

Writing about writing

Well, today I meet with Marsha Amanova, the director of my One Act Play, Pieces. This will be our first meeting with regards to the play and we will be talking about auditions and roles in the rehearsal process. I plan to be "the playwright", not "the director", because I want to see if the script will work in someone else's hands. It will no doubt be hard for me since I have directed quite a bit before. I am excited about the meeting as it is one more step in the process and what is a play if it is not on the stage?

I think the fact of the meeting has spurred me on to work on some of my other projects. I spent the morning collating the material I have for "Cassandra Now" and "Natural Born Mother/MotherLoad". I think that I can work with both scripts and I need to establish a deadline for myself for completing a first draft of either. Last year I said I would have an entry for the APN competition so that means I have less than three months to get it together. I really want to write a full length play and I really want to develop these ideas. I need to focus, but it is hard. I really just need to commit to writing because I find that if I do it and get the words out, then editing comes after and I can take out the crap then. I don't really block, but I have a hard time getting started.

As Steven King says, you have to use your toolbox. I need a good wrench or a hammer and then I will be on my way. I know the ideas are good, it is just getting the stuff out there!