Grey Clouds Mixed With Blue...

In the rational part of my brain/life I know that I have many, many blue clouds floating up above me. I have a crap-load to be grateful for and rationally I appreciate those things. I really, really do. When I suss it all out, and parse it and see it all - I am in a fabulous place. But, like most people I think, I go through these phases of grey clouds. I'm in one right now. No matter how much I speak up to my irrational brain with the rational part of my brain I see negative stuff. I feel cranky. Now, there is something specific happening that does currently contribute to this - it isn't coming out of nowhere - but it is getting harder to maintain the blue cloud exterior. People say things to me and I automatically reinterpret them in my head as a negative when they could probably have been completely neutral, or maybe they were negative things and I am right and that's why I am grumpy. I don't know. I know I am sad for some things ending and feel like I am being pushed out when my job isn't officially done. I know I still feel like I deserve an apology for how I was treated, and I know that I feel further insulted by being asked to step up into a different job. I'd do a different job - but not that one, but a conversation yesterday with someone made me feel like the job I would like is not mine to have because someone else has spoken for it. So the options are to take the job I don't want or leave completely. See - grey clouds...

Keener...

Today was my first class! Hurray! We played Yes Let's and it felt a little weird to be playing as opposed to running the game! I like the atmosphere in the room and I am not the only 'older than 18' person in there, thank goodness. I have already completed my first journal entry. I think it was thoughtful and reflective and I feel like a keener. Cool.

On Saturday Mark and I will be going to Olds for the funeral for Amber and Sarah Olsen. I expect it will break my heart, but my Mom volunteered to take the boys for the day so that we could go. I really didn't want them to come since Oliver gets quite emotional and you can't predict it. I don't think there is anything to say or do for Dave and Shauna, except be there.

Sad...

We received news today that a good friend of ours was in a car accident. Her two little girls (2 and 6) are gone and she and her 16 year old son are in critical condition. Her husband was not in the car. Mark went to school with the husband. This is the second of his close high school friends to have suffered a devastating loss of family. We loved her and those girls and her son and it is so sad to think about what has happened and what else might happen as she is still in hospital.

Too Young...

I received notice via Facebook that a former student of mine took his own life this past week. He would have been mid to late 20s (I am never quite sure when I taught them. I usually just have a general idea). He is one that I clearly remember. He was not one of the smart kids or the athletic kids. He was one of the odd ones, but always smiling and full of life. He tried hard at what he did and especially hard at what interested him. He was often around the drama department, usually backstage, and full of enthusiasm. I don't know the details of how his life ended, and I can only say he was far too young.