My Harshest Critic... Me

Well, we wrapped up From Cradle to Stage for another year.  Overall things went really well.  I think the playwrights were happy with their plays and from the feedback from the rest of the production team everything ran very smoothly.  We finished up with a super fast strike and had a great turnout in terms of audience.  And then today, as a finishing touch to the festival, in conjunction with APN, Walterdale hosted a playwriting workshop facilitated by Tracy Carroll that ran smoothly and was very well received by the participants.  I am also extremely confident that we are well under budget which is never a bad thing! There were several times in the months leading up to this festival that I wondered if I could get it all done. Luckily I had a great team who understood my time situation who rose to the occasion and did the work fabulously. So I am glad that I did not resign months ago, when it could have meant a much less stressful season for me.

So, as I drove home, why couldn't I just enjoy it?  Why? Because my mind was running through the 4-5 things I forgot or didn't do as well as I wished. Instead of being content and happy about all the success of the production and festival,  I was thinking of the three people I forgot to offer comps to and the prop that I realized was still at the theatre that needed to be returned to the person who lent it to us.  I was thinking about the branches I never actually put on the trees on the set. I was dwelling on the stereo I forgot to lock up and turn off and the incomplete cleaning job we did because I felt the incoming group was in a rush to get in the space since they moved in 20 minutes earlier than I expected. I know.  I should be thinking about the kudos and thank yous, and those good things are definitely there, but I also was thinking about a couple negative emails I received from people who should have been working to help me not criticize me, and things beyond my control like a website that with wrong times and emails sent out to the membership with limited and incorrect information. Things I had no control over, but that I felt responsible for.  I constantly go over in my mind - how could I have prevented this or that? Sometimes there is nothing I could have done, but it still bugs me.

Theatre is one of the places in my life where I consistently have this desire to be perfect and yet never feel I am.  I'd like to get over it... Maybe someday.  But maybe not. Maybe it's what pushes me to do better work.

I don't think I am alone in this.  I think a lot of people over-assess things.  I also know that one of the reasons I have grown to feel this way is because very often the only time people give any feedback is to report something gone wrong, and perhaps they are not always the kindest or most diplomatic about it.  So now I sit, waiting for the feedback about the things that weren't perfect... Things I have already accounted for in my mind.

Holy Cow! That Kid Can Dance! Billy Elliot at the Jube...

On Saturday Night we saw Billy Elliot at the Jubilee as part of the Broadway Across Canada series.  Although I have seen part of the movie I was not familiar with the musical so I was in for a bit of a treat in discovery.  They have been running commercials on TV for the past month so I was familiar with a few bars of one song but not much else musically.  It was a great night of theatre.  This is a show that is really about dance and it sure did that well from all in the cast with the lead, Billy Elliot, as a phenomenal stand-out.  There are four Billys with the tour.  We saw Ben Cook. I was floored at what this kid could do.  Not only was he an amazing dancer, but he was also a wonderful actor with a lovely singing voice. It blows me away that they have four of them! That one kid could do all that so well is amazing, but to have four! Wow!  There are other talented members in the cast, both young and old.  I particularly liked Sam Poon as Michael and Janet Dickinson as Mrs. Wilkinson. Now I do admit, there is not much of the music that has stayed with me, but it was tuneful and in places quite epic but it was the dancing I was watching and it was awesome!

A side note: I am better rested now as I caught a few more hours of sleep this afternoon to compensate for my sleepless night last night. I also spent an hour fiddling with the schedule and I feel less stressed about that.  I'm a problem solver and a people pleaser and both of those tend to make me more stressed at times as I take in the challenge of a musical.  The sheer size of the casts and structure of the shows often leads to major challenges with scheduling.  I am not sure everyone involved realizes that.

Late Night Posting... Insomnia

Right now it's 4:39 a.m.

This is not a good thing.  I should be sleeping.  I almost was, but the snoring kept me from going completely out.  I don't blame Mark, he is sick and there have been many nights when I have kept him awake with my snoring.  I moved rooms but I have a hard time with other mattresses and to be honest my mind has been quite awake after an unintentionally stressful rehearsal.  For the last month we have been focusing on choreography as that is when the schedules have allowed for it so it has meant a very jam packed month with a lot of moves for the cast to learn.  For me, it was a lot of being there but the focus was not on my stuff.  That's okay, but I do prefer to layer choreography in earlier and interspersed with scene work so that there is a little more time between rehearsals for the actors to reinforce the moves and at the same there is time where I am working with them on scenes so that the continuity and structure of my rehearsal pattern is maintained.  I think my cast has handled it well, but the problem with the month intensive (12 rehearsals - a lot of choreography) is that I worry they will feel overwhelmed in the right now.  I know and they know we are still over a month out and we will have plenty of time to practice it all and clean it and get to the point where it is second nature, but it the moment it can feel like a lot. Also, I will be honest, the schedules suck. People are busy and have lives and go on vacation or have work conflicts or get sick or have other commitments and that means they miss.  We haven't really had the time to fill in the missing bodies to the degree that I would have liked and I think for those who now have to catch up it might be intimidating.  And I, sponge like director that I am, am sucking in all that apprehension and stress. I have my own stress about schedules.  I have had many people tell me that I am too nice, but I honestly believe that if a person comes to me with a conflict that it is a legitimate conflict, however, it starts to add up for me.  Every request piles up and I start to worry - will we ever have everyone in the same room? Right now we do, on paper, and I have all these TBAs that I am hoping we won't need, but without all the bodies being there I need to keep them in reserve so that I can be sure that we will have the most amazing show.  Which means more rehearsals for everyone, instead of fewer.  With this cast we should have the most phenomenal show.  The talent is in the room. So I want to make sure that I do my part to get them there.  I also sensed that a couple of the cast were not having a great time tonight.  I think I have a high empathy level and for some of them I knew there was stuff going on (not to do with their show per se) so I could feel that a few people were having a less than fabulous time.  I checked in with a couple of them - and felt the stress of not being able to make things better. So I have lain awake for the past few hours tumbling all this stress over in my brain, knowing that I can't own it all and hoping that the arising conflicts stop rolling in and that all will be well and that perhaps Mark will stop snoring soon so I can go back to my bed.

Right now it's 5:01 a.m. I am so glad that the kids are in camp tomorrow. I don't think I would be able to deal with them at home after I have only had 2 1/2 hours of sleep...

Kristen hits a Wall... and Bounces... This Too Shall Pass...

Yesterday I hit a wall.  Suffice it to say I have taken on too much, and then overreacted because all my filters shut off due to system collapse.  I am a little embarrassed in retrospect, but I cannot do anything but apologise, so there you go.  I think it's all good. I hope so.

How did this happen?  Well, I think there is a reason why Walterdale frowns on people doing more than one big job on a show.  It can stretch you too thin and in combination with my other life jobs (mother, store-owner, and all the rest...) I simply stretched too far. There are other factors stressing me out - some challenging dynamics on the team, coming off another show so quickly, planning for the next two (which overlap), anxious about Fringe - so it was really a perfect storm situation.  I should have known.  On the way to the theatre to paint in the morning I was on the verge of tears the whole way and didn't know why.  I was yelling at the radio, other drivers, my gloves... I was clearly not in good shape. Today I am taking a rest day.  I have nothing but laundry and grocery shopping on the agenda today and I might even squeeze in a nap.

Anyhow, the set is coming along nicely.  I have posted my most recent picture, but I have actually done more since I took that picture.  Tomorrow I should be done and I will take another and post that. We are waiting on the 'real' furniture so it will continue to change when all that comes in. The show is also moving along.  We got some wonderful work done on my big scene last night and I finally feel I have my feet under me in it. I get to work with some wonderful, generous actors in this show and I am so grateful for that. I will be glad when I can just think about the acting... soon...

Living in the Theatre - Painting by Day, Directing by Night!

After all the build up for me in the rest of the season I am solidly up to my neck in Nine at Walterdale.  We are enjoying being spoiled by a set being mostly done much earlier than scheduled.  This has allowed us to do a lot of spacing in the actual theatre with all the architectural elements (except the poles - one comes in today and the other two should be in on the weekend).  It has been wonderful and has actually pushed us ahead of scheduled.  I am hoping this means I can give some nights off here and there.  That will only happen, however, if new conflicts from the cast stop rolling in.  It is hard to say 'no' because everyone has a (ahem) good excuse.  Anyhow, we are in good shape and that makes me happy.  Because of the strength of the cast, there are things I do not have to put a lot of time into (like character work) because they come with their homework done. I like that!

In the day times, since the set has been done, I have been leading the paint crew. I am technically second in command, but I can paint in the daytime and I prefer that happening so that I don't get kicked off the deck in the evenings. We are therefore, ahead of schedule when it comes to paint, too!  Yay!  I have had a nice gang of helpers to keep my company and make the work go so much faster! It does, however, make for long days and I have to watch how much of my time I schedule for the painting so that I do not stress myself out too much. 

As I have gotten older, I find that I cannot handle the long hours as well. I also have a hard time getting to sleep right away in the evenings as I come home wired from rehearsal so I have to watch that.  I need nap time I think.  In any case, I am delighted with how we are progressing!

Cancellation = Stress Relief

I made a difficult decision this morning. I have been thinking about it for awhile now, and after a few more things piled up I realized that it was time to act. I pulled From Something out of the ADFA Stage Struck! Festival. Back in the summer, when we were on the high of doing the show at Interplay and the Fringe it seemed like the right thing to do, but then when we approached the time the massive conflicts of our schedules made me very worried. It wasn't just the cast, it was me as well. I have a horrible schedule these next two months with Mark in Annie, Tight Rope in New Works, Auditions for From Cradle to Stage and the other things that I have to do for Walterdale (I still have to finish prepping for The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas). Everything seemed to be converging and I was getting worried that we wouldn't be able to do the work we needed and that the actors would be stressed to learn the changes. As it was we only had 4 rehearsals. We needed more time. In addition to all that, my cast has complicated schedules, one is Gertrude in Hamlet, one is in Pirates of Penzance with the Edmonton Opera, one is directing one of the From Cradle to Stage shows, and they are all ill (with a variety of sickness). All the signs said it wasn't going to happen. So I pulled the show. I instantly felt better. I still need to revisit the script because of the changes I made, but that can wait until I have the time for that.

Last Week - Where Did It Go?

The illness in my house last week (mine and the kids) knocked me out of circulation and left me feeling behind in everything. Thankfully I had chunks of time in my very busy Saturday where I could read some of my scripts. The one thing about kid's classes is that while they are in the class you have to sit and wait for them, and reading is a very good thing to do to fill your time. I read Hosanna, The Rez Sisters and Lion in the Streets and I started The Tale of the Allergists Wife. Two were for homework, and 2 for consideration for Walterdale. Check! I still have many more to read, but I always bring one or two along with me wherever I go.

I am trying to get on top of things this week and change the momentum of last week. Already I have coloured my hair (the blond was getting to me - too hard to maintain without the proper salon time and money), cleaned the upstairs bathroom, and I am doing a whole house garbage round-up. I also have 2 reference letters to write and I have an important decision to make about whether or not we leave From Something in the ADFA StageStruck! The schedules of those involved (myself included) are getting stressed to the limit and I don't want to put it up if it is not what I want it to be. It was a great idea in the summer, but now that the reality of my life (and the lives of my cast and crew) has bubbled up it is looking like the proverbial back-breaking straw. We will talk tomorrow and see what the task actually is once we do the read-through. Maybe it isn't as big a job as we think?

I have a sitter booked tonight. We (the From Something girls) were going to go for dinner tonight. Two of the cast is ill and one cannot get to the restaurant and I haven't heard from another so it might just be two of us. I am going to do something. I am not going to waste a sitter!

Out of My Control...

Last week I was sick. It hit Mon Night/Tuesday Morning and hung on until Sunday. I still have remnants but I am functional. In fact, I was functional for most of the week because I had things on the go that I could not opt out of. This week it is a slightly different picture. I am at about 95% but both boys have a cold. This is worse than when I was sick. I will struggle through things when I am ill, but with both boys ill it basically creates a situation where I am stuck at home. Yesterday this wasn't so bad, because I had nothing on the go that was urgent. Today it is much worse, because I have class and an assignment due in class. I emailed and phoned my prof and sent the assignment via email in the hope that she will accept it. I was contemplating dragging the kids to campus with me, but frankly, at this point, I will take a loss on the assignment rather than do that. One kid - I could handle that trip; Two kids - no way. Normally I would have my Mom as back-up, but my parents are away. If it were only one of the boys I could drop him at the store while I ran to class and back - I can't do that with both. This doesn't happen often, but when it does I really earn my salary. They better be well enough to go to school tomorrow!

Where did the week go?

Okay, I did stuff this week, but I didn't get everything done and that makes me feel like it just flew by. I had some interpersonal angst at the beginning of the week and that caused a lot of unnecessary stress that sucked up oodles of my mental time and brought up all the stress from a month ago that I thought I had pushed into the void. Oliver was sick and stayed home Tuesday, so that day was a write-off. On Thursday, I touched base at the theatre and Theatre Alberta on Thursday and ran into people I hadn't seen for a while so I spent a few hours that day just talking to people. I can't even remember what I did on Wednesday. Oh, where does the time go?

I feel like a fireman....

I've spent so much time this week putting out fires... I can't really talk about it, but I would get a lot more done if I didn't have to deal with arising issues...

So Much For Sleeping In...

I always hope that there will be peace downstairs and that I might possibly get to sleep in on Saturdays, but no matter what, the minute that Mark leaves the house I hear the thump thump thump of Oliver running up the stairs to crawl in with me to snuggle. He's a snuggler and has always been, but it's kind of annoying when I am trying to sleep. Besides that, he's an eight year old who is the size of a 10-11 year old and he is all arms and legs so it is a far cry from snuggling with him when he was 3! Also, Mark didn't get them breakfast before they left so hunger was a shrill complaint that forced me out of bed and down to the kitchen. Apparently Mark thought Oliver was on top of getting them breakfast, but Oliver thought he just had to get the bowls and spoons out so there was a communication gap. Ah ga ga glug gulp...

So, in November, this might not bother me so much, but today when I still feel like crap and I have been out late 4 of 5 nights and I have been up early 4 out of 5 days, I really needed it. Tomorrow I need a wee sleep-in and then I do a marathon paced day (rehearsal #1 at 11 a.m.; rehearsal #2 at 2 p.m.; Casino at 9:45 p.m. until 3:45 a.m.). Maybe I can get a nap between Rehearsal #2 and the Casino. Cross your fingers!

This week continues with a crazy schedule. Some time before Thursday I need to write a 6 page paper (the Prof reduced the length from 12 pages - whew!). I may compromise on the quality just to get the quantity done, luckily I am not mark dependent, and I took this course to become a better playwright, not a better essay writer). I also have 2 nights of rehearsal for Sweeney, one for the AGM, then the Open House at Walterdale on Saturday followed by the AGM that night. I have stuff to do as both Secretary and AD for the AGM and as AD and Director for the Open House. I will survive! I swear!

Keeping My Head Above Water...

Remind me not to pick up another project outside of Walterdale during my tenure as Artistic Director... What was I thinking? Don't worry, the show will be good and the theatre is in good hands. It is just a matter of how thin I stretch myself. I have my own self to blame for it, I guess.

On a more positive note, the first night of auditions for Lend Me a Tenor went swimmingly. We had so many wonderful actors come out. I read with quite a few (filling in) and was suddenly wishing I were auditioning too, but I can't do that time slot again. Besides, I'd really want to play Tito, and that's a little out of the question! Whoever is cast, this will be a very fun show!

Home for a rest...

This past week I started work on The Last Five Years. I am directing my good friends, Magnolia and El Muchacho (his new title) in this wonderful 2 person musical. I had my first rehearsal with Magnolia on Tuesday and we did a nice chronological track through the script. I love this part. I love the 'mining' and the talking and sorting out what the story is all about for this character. To do this show right, you have to know the separate journeys of the two characters. If you are playing one of them, you have to feel right, even when the character makes mistakes. I can imagine people leaving this show thinking 'she was right/he was wrong' or 'she was wrong/he was right'. I want people to leave thinking they were both right and both wrong. I want no villains and no heroes. I want real people. So, we have a good time walking through.

I was supposed to rehearse Thursday and found I couldn't. I was hit by something. I don't know if I caught whatever Oliver had on Tuesday, or if I just needed to stop for a moment. Because when I thought about it, I realized I had not stopped going, going, going since I can't remember. I thought it was just since before Black Hearts, but then I thought about it and realized I came right into that from the Walterdale Gala, and into that from the Fringe, and into the Fringe from the One Acts and Baby and before that Crimes... Maybe I just needed a few days off? I have to watch that in myself because if I don't watch it I will pile up everything, one thing on top of another. I worry that if I don't do this or don't do that I will miss the opportunity. I have to make myself happy with the bounty I have, because I am by no means sitting on my butt doing nothing.

Anyhow, by Sunday I felt better. I took it easy Thursday, Friday and Saturday and this made it nice to go into rehearsal on Sunday and get some work done. We roughed out 4 of the songs and did more mining and tracking and I feel real good about it. I can't wait to get both of my cast members together and in a month it should feel even more exciting.

Using Stress to Get Things Done...

Last night I stared at the mound of unopened Christmas cards that sat on my table and I started to feel the stress of not having started my cards. You have to understand, for years I have been the Christmas Card Queen. Even when I was in University I sent out at least 40 cards. This surged to over 80 in my heyday. Since we moved, or even since we had Gibson, I have faltered and this inability to keep up with the past causes me stress every Christmas. Some years I stalled the activity until January and called it a letter for the New Year. I still felt guilty about it. I know I shouldn't. I know some people send no cards out at all. But I like doing them. I just haven't had time. Anyhow, I stared at those cards and started opening them and reading them and the letters that accompanied them. And the stress that started to well in me cause me to scrabble together my 'year at a glance' and print off 40+ of them. Today, I started with the envelopes and in just 3 hours I completed 37 cards. There will be more to come, but at least I have written a card to everyone that sent me one and also to those who I usually get one from and those that I feel need an update (like Grandmas and Aunts and Uncles). I feel good as I look at the stack of cards.

Now I need to buy stamps.

Away From Home...

I am away from home, at the Best Western in Olds, Alberta. I don't do the best outside my own home. Well, I am not suffering, but I do find that when I am in certain situations I really WANT to be home. I get thrown off sometimes because I feel like I do not know the rules. I try to participate and then I usually feel like I made a mis-step. It stresses me out a bit. I also get stressed out managing my children on the road. There are all these other people you have to "worry" about. As their mother, I recognize that they are tired and off their schedule, so my instinct is to cut them a little slack, however, I get the impression that other people are not so forgiving. It pumps the stress even higher when these other people start trying to "manage" your children for you, even though you are in the room. I see them do exactly the WRONG thing with the oldest one all the time. I also get a little insulted because their "stepping in" suggests to me that they don't think I am doing the work right. Imagine if you had to do your work in a new place with none of your usual tools and then you had someone come and evaluate your performance and literally start taking over your work. That's what it feels like.