What Do I Want to Be When I Grow Up?

The last few weeks have felt very strange to me. I have been sick, that hasn't helped, but I have also been in a weird kind of funk about what my focus is right now. Because the last two years I had a purpose and artistic vision through Walterdale, now that my term as AD is complete I am realizing I need to find that same kind of purpose for my own life, but I am not sure how. I know I need to really focus on my writing, but I am not spending the time I should on that. There are other personal things I need to be doing with regards to my health, but I am not spending the time I should on that, either (being sick has not helped there). I feel stretched thin with my kids - trying to encourage them and help them and get them to practices and the like, but I feel like I am not doing that well. I must admit a bit of regret for the basketball because its irregularity upsets my sense of planning and scheduling, but I see it's potential for good things for both my boys. I do regret that I haven't found a way to fit in piano yet...

I know I need to sit down with myself and figure this out. A few more weeks feeling like this and I am going to lose it. I am looking forward to Playworks Ink and hoping that weekend time will provide some clarity for me. I even bought a few more colours of highlighters to help me organize my day timer in case that is what I need. I am worried, because there have been a few opportunities come my way that I had to pass on because they didn't feel right, but I worry that I will stop getting offers if I keep saying no. On the one hand, I do not want to be volunteering my time for something I do not want to do 100%, but on the other hand I do not want to miss out on fabulous experiences. I wish I could just roll a die and make my choices that way...

Prepare for the Onslaught of Boydom

Only 1 more school day until the Christmas holidays officially begin and I find myself 'dealing with both boys' for 2 weeks. Luckily Mark is closing the store for 2 consecutive 3 day weekends. That will help. No doubt he will want to travel on one of them, but nothing has been mentioned, so I am hoping for real down time. Funny thing about holidays. For me they are often much more work than everyday. Some people get to rest, but they don't think about the other people who are facilitating their rest. Ah well, there are many things I like about the holidays and I shall cling to them and deal with the other stuff when it happens. Any way you slice it, I am one of the lucky ones on the planet (http://www.100people.org/statistics_detailed_statistics.php) so a little imposition in a time of extreme plenty should not be drama-worthy.

I have held off on the tree and I am hoping I can keep it at bay until Monday so that it can be our 'activity' for that day. I plan to get a pre-cut, but not assembled, gingerbread house for construction on Tuesday. Today we started some of the tree decoration crafts I picked up at Michael's the other day. Gibson (with my help) made 3 and I made 1. There are 24 in the box so we can make a few more over the next few days. Although the Wii and DS can entertain to a certain extent, I am hoping for warmer weather so that frolics in the out of doors are possible to augment the crafting. This is only for the first week. The week after Christmas is usually okay because of the discovery of the new toys.

I will be doing the Christmas meal as per usual and I have to get my turkey and all the other required stuff tomorrow (at least the stuff that will keep). The rest I will pick up during the week prior. Mom and Dad will be hosting Christmas Eve (oyster stew) and I need to sort out everything to make sure I have all the required gifts for that. I have cookies made so that's good. I need to get Mom and Dad presents and a couple of thing for my nieces and nephews. It's a lot, but I should be able to get it done.

Whirlwind!

I feel exhausted! However, I am geared up at the same time. I have been through a week and a half of September and it is rolling along. The big thing with this time of year is figuring out exactly how the days are going to play out. With the boys participating in swimming, drama, gymnastics, basketball, soccer, preschool, daycare and school it can get a little hectic just managing them. With 'my' stuff thrown into the mix my life gets uber-complicated! I am on the Walterdale Board, am singing at the 50th Anniversary Gala, am auditioning for a show, am taking a University Drama class, am hoping to write, and trying to workout on a regular basis and trying to keep the household running (as smoothly as can be expected). I am also meeting to see about joining another theatre board. Mark's life also has some events that have to be coordinated. Anyhow, I have made it through one complete week cycle and it is good to now have an idea of what to expect. I hope that next week is easier because I will know what is coming.

Bouncing Back

Today I felt so much better. I think the marathon sleep on Saturday night and the really good sleep last night helped. So I cleaned my kitchen. That felt good. And I made a big casserole type meal that can be frozen for future days when I don't feel like making anything. That felt good. I also went to Safeway, in the snow - brrr, and stocked up on things but avoided impulse 'bad food'. That felt good. Oliver got 10 stickers in school today (the max is 4 - so it must have been an awesome day). That felt really good. Especially to see his face when he counted them. He was just delighted. I worked a little on my novel, which is over the 50,000 word hurdle but now needs to be finished. That felt good. I will do more on that later tonight. I also wrote and sent in a letter to the Journal in response to the editorial on daycare. That felt good. I know not everyone may share my opinions on this, but it rubs me the wrong way for someone to say they are arguing for everyone to have daycare when it is really because they want it. Why punish those who don't have their kids in daycare by making them pay for you putting yours in (via taxes)? It's not fair if it's only fair for one group of people, no matter how hard you argue. Oh well, don't get me started... Let's end on a good note. It is good not to feel like crap anymore.

Juggling Life

I have so many balls in the air right now. It is all planned out and working, but there is little down-time. I wonder how I can do this sometimes. I go from one event or activity to the next with little time to breathe in between. I make it happen. I complain sometimes, but I don't do a lot to change the overall structure of my life. I think, for me, I don't reduce the number of activities because some of them are not my activities by choice. I have to do them. I have to get Oliver off the bus. I have to feed the kids. I have to deposit my cheque in the bank and pay my bills. When you add in laundry and cleaning and all that stuff you could easily fill a day. I need the other things like the writing conference and the rehearsals and choir practice so that I have some things that I am doing just for me.

Steel Magnolias - Walterdale

Just coming off the first two "real" shows of Steel Magnolias at the Walterdale (We run to the 28th of October - hint hint). What a great feeling. The role of M'Lynn has been so good for me. I usually play the loud funny one, and although I do get to be funny, I definitely have to mine much more emotional depths for her than I ever have before. I have been so pleased with how the journey has gone. At one point in the rehearsal process I went through a real feeling of "I am such a fraud" and "soon they will figure out I have just been faking it all". This happened when I started to doubt myself. Luckily I used that in the whole process and it really helped. I have been surprised at the generosity of the audiences when we come out for bows. I have never been able to immerse myself so completely in the world of the play before. Ah.

What will be next? I am still thinking about Hello Dolly! with ELOPE. With the new store it will be hard to spare a lot of time, but I haven't ruled it out. I also have yet to hear from APN about the Dramaturge for my One Act that will be produced by the Walterdale this year (May 2007 - "Pieces"). So pleased to have been selected. I also need to get back to writing beyond my Morning Pages. I have to get a shape/direction/focus for my next play and I need to edit the crap out of the one in progress that is too close to home and reality to ever be produced without really alienating some people I know...