Party Anxiety Overcome?

Well, this afternoon I had a Pampered Chef party. It turned out well and I think everyone had a good time. I bought more than I planned to, but they get you with the "half price items". I could have easily have bought more, so that's okay.

I had 6 guests. I invited about 35 - 40 people and I had 9 "yeses", but 3 cancelled this morning. That's where the "anxiety" in the title comes from. I don't know if I will host another such party. I think it gets a little demoralizing when only 6 people come out of a list of 35. My ego can't handle it. To be fair, many people did respond with regrets due to absolutely legitimate conflicts and I know that some people may have been put off by the "buying" aspect of the party so that may be a reason why they didn't want to come. I have certainly been hesitant in the past when I have been invited to "shopping parties" (Party-Lite, Epicure, etc...). So it is funny how I felt like when I was in junior high and not very popular and so very worried that no one would show up and I would be a big loser. I know I shouldn't feel this way, but part of me does. I don't think you ever completely get over your adolescence.

It was a very nice little party. I just don't know if I will do another. I feel uncomfortable thinking that people will feel obligated to buy stuff, when I just want them to come and enjoy the eats and drinks. It's funny, because if I had been in McMoo I would have had 20-30 people there so easily, but that's what living in a place for 15+ years will do. Also, McMoo has a different vibe than Edmonton. It is a much smaller world there.

On a brighter note - MY HOUSE IS (for all intents and purposes) IMMACULATE!! I love how clean my kitchen is. Now, can I keep it this clean? We shall see!

Crying - Still Fat

Okay. So I haven't had the best week. This is primarily because I have been sick all week and that has been in combination with one or both of the boys being sick at the same time. So the "illness" factor has really messed me up. And it hasn't been a "just the sniffles" cold. I feel CRAPPY. So, in an effort to feel better in at least one part of my body, I ate poorly (my mouth was happy for a bit of time). I knew it would have an impact. Intellectually I was not beating myself up, but I knew that when I went to the WW meeting my number would be up and not down. So why was I crying when I was up 1.4 lbs? ... I think it is because I had made this committment to myself about eating and exercise. That I was going to make it a priority, and the first 2 weeks were good (not spectacular - but good), but the rest of my life keeps getting in the way of my priority. Whether it is having social engagments that revolve around food, or M being late at the store because of computer troubles so I don't get on the treadmill, or a cold/flu that completely destroys me for a week --> I feel like there is something in my way, and it feels like a COSMIC THING. I really hate being as heavy as I am. Never mind other people judging me, I judge myself. The excuses sound lame, even to me, and they are MY excuses, but there they are. I find it so much work, and I am tired, and I know that even when (not if - when) I do lose the weight, the work doesn't stop. Because if I stop working at it, I will gain it back like I did the last time and I will feel like a double failure. It is sad that I feel worthless overall in my life because of this one thing. It negates so many other things that I am that are positives. It shouldn't, but it does.

On a positive note (ha ha), I found out that I did get into the Playwright's Lab with Marty Chan. I await instructions eagerly. I hope that I can get what I need out of it.