Dear Parents and Care-Givers of Dunluce School

Re: Traffic Issues – Dunluce School

2011-2012 School Year

I have been growing more and more upset by the way parents and caregivers have been behaving when they come to pick up their children after school this year. I have never seen it this bad and I have been picking my kids up after school for the last 4 ½ years (I did take one year off where they rode the bus – so 3 ½ of the last 4 ½ years).

I have observed rampant jaywalking, with and without children, often done by darting out between parked cars (when visibility is poor) or by making oncoming traffic stop. Remember, because of where the crosswalks are located this means people had less than ½ a block to walk to a marked crosswalk no matter where they were. So not only are these people acting unsafe and illegal, but they are also lazy.

The driving and parking habits that I have observed also concern me. Every single day there are people parking in the no parking areas surrounding the crosswalk. I fear for the crossing guards and pedestrians as your car being in those non-parking spots means that you have greatly reduced their visibility to oncoming traffic. Your being there means they have to step out further into the road to stop the traffic. You put them at higher risk. You endanger the life of those children. I have seen reckless u-turns, high speed pulling out of parking spots, lack of signaling, pulling out into the crosswalk (because, of course, that’s where you were parked). All of those things are unsafe for our children. Yesterday, I saw one van driven by a school parent that thought to go around the line of vehicles stopped at the crosswalk. Why were they stopped? They were stopped BECAUSE THERE WERE PEOPLE CROSSING THE ROAD. She (the driver) looked puzzled that I would honk frantically at her to stop (at this point she was driving on the wrong side of the road in order to get around those pesky stopped cars).

I wrote to Mrs. Busby (our School Principal) about these issues. She informed me that the school is very concerned but unless there are police out there ticketing people will say to the staff members who tell those of you who break theses rules that they could get a ticket that “They will take their chances.” I wonder, are you going to take your chances with a child’s life? Because that’s what it’s about – those children’s lives. It is not about whether you get ‘caught’ and get a ticket, it is about the message you send to our children. The message you send is that it is okay to break rules as long as you don’t get caught. The message you send is that safety is second to convenience. The message you send is that what they are taught in school does not matter. You send a terrible, terrible example to your children and to mine. My fear is that one day one of our children is going to pay for it.

Please stop taking chances.

A Mother... my most significant relationship(s)...

Ten Years ago today, right now, I was in labour but not progressing. With each contraction the heart rate of my unborn child was dropping. In a couple of hours, if things didn't progress, they were going to give me a c-section. I didn't so they did. It was fine. I made jokes once they did the spinal (and I could feel nothing below my arms - ahhhhhh). Mark argued about having to sit during the procedure as 'he had seen a c-section before'... the nurse insisted - 'that was not your wife' and 'they didn't want to have to pick him up off the floor if he fainted'. So he sat and watched. Oliver Lester Finlay arrived ten years ago tomorrow morning about 1:30 a.m. Mark did all the preliminary stuff with him as I was down in the recovery room waiting for my toes to move.

10 Years a Mother - hard to believe. The manners were better when he was 5. I see the teenager to come though and I think he will be an interesting, if challenging, kid. Right now he still loves Lego (Harry Potter this year) and is not into 'girls'. This past school year he had the 'puberty' lesson and he didn't giggle because their teacher told them they weren't allowed to be immature. He still likes Webkins, and Pokemon rules the world and his latest DS Game is Plants vs. Zombies. He is tall for his age but a bit lazy but I do have him trained to put his dishes in the sink and his dirty clothes in his hamper. I understand him terrifically, but sometimes that doesn't do much when he's cranky or wants his way. He is my first born and he grows more interesting every year. The job itself gets both harder and easier, as well.

The Dreaded Student Led Parent-Teacher meetings...

Tonight I get to take both my kids ot the school while each of them leads me through 25 minutes of activities showing what kinds of things they do in class and then you get about 5 minutes to chat with the teacher about concerns. They don't want you to bring siblings, but Mark works and the meetings only go until 7 p.m. and that's when he gets home so I pretty much have to bring them to both sessions. No way around it - I can't get a sitter because I need the other one to be there for their session. Anyhow, I don't like these sessions, but I do them. I know the theory behind them, but for me they are not that useful. So, we shall pack up each of their DSes so that they can be occupied while the other one is demonstrating and hopefully that will work. If I keep my expectations low, then maybe I will actually enjoy it. I have actually already been in both boy's classrooms so far this year for Read-In week and In-School field trips so I kind of know the classroom culture and what they are up to. Sigh.

Did your mother raise you right?

Personally I think that if you are over 18 then you shouldn't have to be asked to clean up after yourself. You also shouldn't assume that other people should have to clean up after you, that you are somehow too good to take the initiative and join in without being "asked politely". I'm not your mom. I shouldn't have to ask.

You may not agree. That's your perogative, but realize that everyone is judged on their own behaviour and you may not come out so good in the judging. Suck it up and be a better person. And the next time you see your mom, you might want to ask her why she didn't teach you right.

First Day of Drama Class...

And I want to buy straight jackets. The classes went fine. Both boys seemed to enjoy their classes and when I only had one of them with me it was all good. It was the hour and a half in between the classes that drove me mad. We are wandering around Edmonton Centre Mall and neither kid can keep his hands to himself. They both were picking at each other and acting like 'those bratty kids' that everyone glares at. I am working on an elaborate plan for next week involving leaving one of them with Mark at the store and my getting the other using the LRT in between the classes. That would work, I think. I don't know. I was just so unimpressed with them. We might also spend the hour and a half at the Library. I could try that. There is enough there to occupy the both of them, as long as I can keep them from picking at each other. Gah!

In good news... Anna, the lovely Annelle from Steel Magnolias, is one of Gibson's teachers and Amy from last year is one of Oliver's teachers. I totally trust both of them and know they do good work. Amy also knows Oliver so she is well aware of his high jinks and has never had trouble keeping him in line. I can relax...

2004 Brings Son #2 - Gibson aka Speed Bump...

Just when you think you have the parenting thing somewhat figured out, you have a second child and all the tricks that worked with the first one do not work for the second. Gibson was a real surprise for me. For one thing, I really thought he was going to be a girl - the pregnancy was totally different than my first. I also successfully had a VBAC so I could drive the day after coming home and my body didn't feel like I had been in a car accident. I knew how to nurse. I wasn't afraid of him dying if I left him alone in his room while he slept. I was way more relaxed. BUT I didn't instantly *get* him like I did with Oliver. It took me awhile. Oliver liked to rock to sleep. Gibson wanted to just be laid down - back off Mom! Gibson was not a snuggler, nor was a he an up and down baby - he was a side to side baby. So I took a little while to get used to him.

Now he is five. He started Kindergarten this fall. While Oliver was a late talker, Gibson spoke early and well. He actually sang before he spoke, humming tunes he heard on TV or from the radio. He still sings all the time, almost unconsciously. He has always sung/hummed in tune. Even our Kindermusik Teacher was impressed (and she must hear many, many kids who sing early). I think that he will be somehow connected to music in his life. Not surprising really. I was doing a musical when pregnant with him and it had very challenging harmony. He also spent many of his early months at Honeybee Rehearsals - only really content when we sang.

In many ways Gibson was easier than Oliver. He was our second so we went through things with Oliver for the first time and had the luxury of systems in place for Gibson. However, Gibson has his challenges. He has been able to lie very convincingly from a very young age (Oliver still has a hard time). We know we must teach him to use this 'gift' for good (acting perhaps?) and realize that it isn't just about getting caught... it's about being wrong. He is also more emotional when things do not go his way. The world isn't *fair* a lot of the time for Gibson. I think he sees the things that Oliver is allowed to do and he wants the same privileges but doesn't want to wait until he is old enough. He is, however, adorable. I know, I know, I am his Mom. But he is a sweetie pie.

I am lucky with the 2 of them.

The Decade of Children and Parenting...

In 2000 I finally got pregnant. This was after a couple of years of frustration, fertility medication, continued frustration, going off the the fertility medication, seeing a specialist, doing one simple investigative procedure (histosalpingogram - ow!) and then waiting for results. In the *wait time* we finally got pregnant. So in the summer of 2001, after a long non-progressing labour, we had Oliver. A few years later (2004) Gibson came along. So for the bulk of the last decade the having and raising of children has been the most significant thing in my life. Sure, we moved and we bought a store and there's all that theatre stuff, but I would drop all of the other things for the kids in a heartbeat if I had to, so there you have it.



Along with kids came the struggle to figure out parenthood. Mark and I come from very different backgrounds. I won't get into the details, as I am sure almost every set of new parents (and old parents dealing with a new aged kid) have to deal with the challenge of wanting to do things differently. I do not want to replicate my parents necessarily. I am a different person and no matter how good I turned out, my children are different from me and I am trying to find what works best for all of us. It can be easy to fall into the 'this is what my parents did and look how good I turned out' but let's be honest, no one is perfect. Anyhow, suffice it to say, we still argue and struggle with the parenting. I get frustrated with unilateral decisions that Mark sometimes makes in the moment and expects me to back him up. I don't want to undercut his authority, but it is hard when sometimes I don't agree with what he is doing. For the most part he is awesome, but there are stressful times when the plan is spontaneous when he falls back on the techniques of his mother, most of which I do not agree with as they do not suit our eldest child. I know that he thinks I am too lenient, and sometimes I do let things slide, but I am pretty sure I draw the important lines. I'm not saying I'm perfect at this. I know I am not. It's a work in progress and there are many moments I look back on and say 'I wish I did that better'.



The children. The Children. They are different. They say you get the children you can handle. We are blessed with two very high energy boys.



Oliver, our eldest, has always been super high energy. I like to think he 'attacks life' rather than lives it. This year he has mellowed a bit, but the teacher reports anxiety, something I never had to deal with from Ollie. I think he grew into the idea that he is a public person. Prior to this year he never thought about how he was perceived. I guess it is part of his development. He walked early, but talked quite late. We figured he was putting all his energy into gross motor development. A speech delay - easily remedied by a year in Early Ed. Stress for us - did we do something wrong? I don't think so. I always just knew what he wanted, so he never had to ask much. His vocabulary (language) was above average, he just couldn't make the right sounds (helicopter = harro-opper) so his speech was mild-moderate delayed. I knew, even before he started school, that we would be hearing about behavioural issues but that academically and cognitively he would be fine (better than fine). That happened and this year that seems to be getting better. At home he challenges some things - mostly the challenges come around bedtime and have to do with stopping play to go to bed. He doesn't want to. He fights us. This frustrates Mark more than I. I have my line. I can usually redirect Ollie so he doesn't cross it and if he does - that's it. No story, no snuggle, just lights out. Mark's line is a lot easier to cross and he doesn't do as much redirection as I, so Ollie crosses it more when Mark is putting him to bed. I don't know how to fix that. I can't do it every night. Sometimes I need a break and sometimes he needs to be more flexible. It's just bedtime - it's not life or death. Anyhow, I have enjoyed watching Oliver grow up to the 8 1/2 years that he is now. He is funny and musical and smart and can be patient with his brother (like right now) when he chooses to. He is usually very good with younger kids, particularly toddlers, and loves his family. He is a hugger and a snuggler and rarely fibs (and if he does, you know right away or else he tells you in less than 2 minutes because he feels guilty). I sense with him that he fights us when he feels like he has no control over what he can do. That's the way it has to be, so we will keep fighting him on the important things, but I know that the fights will get easier. Like with his homework. The first month was brutal, every day. Now, however, he knows he has to do it so the fight is gone. It's all good.



Next post - Gibson - the Sequel.

Solutions...

So, frustrated with my perception of 'too late' with Ollie's grade 2 year I decided to put together a plan for doing what I can this summer to help him improve over the summer. The big issues seems to be focus (behavioral) and writing (cognitive/process). I can only do so much with the focus issue as it is one thing to get a a single child to focus and quite another in a class of 28 (what his class in the fall will have). So, today I made a worksheet up asking simple questions about our trip to the museum yesterday. The answers could then be taken and used to write a short story about the day. I am not skilled in Division I. I do not know what they are supposed to be able to do, so I had to rely on Ollie's cues about how skilled he should be. He wasn't happy about the exercise, but once we finished it, he seemed a lot more relaxed about it. He was really stressed about the idea of writing a story. This is hard for me to deal with because prior to this year he would try just about anything fearlessly. This school year has changed him in that regard. I am not sure why, but hopefully I will be able to help him enough so that he is comfortable writing in the fall.

More on Parenting Choices - It's an Evolution...

I read the letters in the Journal today. This whole issue is coloured by generalizations and judgement and I know, I am not without guilt on that matter. I do try to see the whole picture and I feel comfortable 'thinking aloud' on my blog on this issue as opposed to writing in to the Journal with a snapshot of how I feel at one moment or in reaction to an over-generalized comment that someone else has written that I feel attacks me unfairly (for example, I do not 'do everything' for my kids - I teach them to do things for themselves). Anyhow, I wish this issue wasn't so polarized. I wish we made child-raising a priority in our culture, whether that means compensating those who do it in as a profession more, or stopping the belittlement of those who choose to stay home. I do recognize that just like home-schooling, there are those who do the job well and those that do not. Not every Stay at Home Parent is a saint or a genius at the job. Similarly, there are many who work outside the home, who do so for selfish reasons and who neglect their children to a certain extent - not all, but some. We need to stop fighting about it and find solution to issues that are fair to everyone (or at least most) not just those who work and not just those who stay at home. Sacrifices are made on both sides. Our children will live with the consequences of those choices one way or another.

Don't we want to know what's 'best'?

Lots of buzz about the Iris Evans comments on parenting. I wish I could hear the whole thing, because I think the comment was contextual. Even if it wasn't I wonder what the big deal was. No, I don't wonder, I know who's upset. The same thing happens when someone makes a broad statement about breastfeeding (breast is best), those who chose not to get their noses out of joint. I think we should aspire to what is best, fully acknowledging that there are circumstances that prevent everyone from achieving that. For example, a vaginal delivery is 'best', but I couldn't have one with Oliver (he might not have made it). Do I think that people should schedule c-sections, like Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera? NO - that is idiotic. But, a c-section is necessary to prevent a lot of dead babies and mommies. Breast is best, it's a proven fact. There are, however, some women who try and cannot breast feed (inverted nipples, babies not getting enough, etc...). Do I think you should go straight to formula because it's there and convenient? NO - that is a dumb choice. But, formula has saved many a baby who would not get nutrition otherwise. We do not want to villanize those who had no choice in these situations, however, I don't think we should let the other ones 'off the hook' for deliberately making a dumb choice.

Now, the daycare (including all the variations - nanny, day homes, babysitting, etc...) is a little more complicated, because there are plenty of kids who come from families where both parents work that have turned out fine. I think it has more to do with realizing that when you have kids you need to sacrifice something. If you both work during the day and the children are in care, you need to take the time you do have with your kids to form connections and teach them to be good humans. You might have to give up the lifestyle you had pre-children so that instead of martini nights with the girls or beer nights with the guys, you are actually parenting in the evenings. You might also have to push down the daycare-guilt and discipline your child even though you want those few hours to just be fun and wonderful. you don't do your kids any favours in the long run if you abdicate responsibility for their moral development because you feel bad about having to work. I know there are some people who 'have' to work because of the economics of their families, but there are many who choose it. Take responsibility for your choice. If you see that choice damaging your children, you might want to re-visit it.

The end of my rope...

I have two children. Two wonderful boys. Two very different boys. When Ollie came along, I understood him from day one. I knew when he was hungry. I knew when he was poopy. I knew when he just wanted to snuggle. As he got older I had struggles with him, but most of the time I still knew what he was thinking. I couldn't necessarily make him behave, but I could read his emotion or rationale for his behaviour. Then Gibby came along. From the beginning he was a bit of a mystery. It took me longer to figure out what he needed. I didn't have that instant connection that I did with Oliver. It could be that he was just different and I was using all my tools from the Ollie toolbox and they weren't gonna work with Gib. So I learned. But I have yet to figure him out in the same way I feel I know Ollie. The past few days have been really tough with him. Friday he had 6 meltdowns - super irrational melt-downs. Monday he wailed for 45 minutes at gymnastics. Today, he has had three crying fits. All of them are sparked by 'stupid stuff'... things that can't be helped (the teacher at gymnastics was new, Ethan was playing with Marcus, he had to have dessert after lunch) and I was and continue to be frustrated with his reaction. This is relatively new. He has been a pretty easy kid for most of the year, but this last week is driving me nuts. Hopefully I'll figure him out a little bit soon.

Spring Break... lifus interuptus...

Spring Break ends tonight. Tomorrow it is back to school, back to pre-school and back to activities. I enjoyed not having to drive around so much, but I really didn't find it much of a break for me. After picking up the same toys about 10 times in one week (note - more than once per day) I began to long for the school day. It also interfered with my accomplishing all my goals for the week. I did get some done. All requests for Rights have gone in and 2 are confirmed. Samuel French has received the other 3 requests but they say 2-4 weeks for review and approval. I am not worried about any of the requests, however, I do want it done so that the season can be announced and I can move onto the next phase of planning - budget!

I went to 2 plays this past week. DeathTrap at Walterdale and Roberto Zucco at Studio Theatre (U of A - The Timm's). Both had their strengths and weaknesses and they were two very different plays. As to DeathTrap, I enjoyed the evening. It was a bit slow to start, but once it got rolling I found it very engaging. Francie as the Dutch Psychic was a stand-out. I did wish for quicker scene changes as I found they caused the flow to start and stop, but it was Opening Night and usually those things get much faster as the run progresses. I worked box-office for the show last night and was very pleased to have only 10 tickets left as the house went in. Yay! Roberto Zucco was a completely different animal. You could tell the actors on stage were overall very strong (although not evenly so... some stood out as stronger than others - Blythe Haynes comes to mind), however, I really struggled with this one. The show is challenging in content and structure so it is hard for an audience to connect with it. I figure that is likely why there was no intermission in the 2 hour show. I think that if there was one a lot of the house would have left. It was violent and disconnected and strangely dispassionate. And I think that is exactly what the Director was going for. Not my cup of tea, but probably very appealing for some. I did love the set and the costuming and they used the set very well. There was also some tremendous physical movement, but all in all it was not something I would necessarily send anyone to.

Wiggles and Whining...

That's what the last few days have felt like. Okay, the Wiggles were just on and I liked the alliteration, but the whining has been palpable in the house the last few days. However effective it is to remove the DS from Oliver as a punishment, you still have to put up with the whining when he doesn't have access to it. I am praying for a good day at school today so he earns it back and the whinging stops. Gibson has had his fair share, but that usually only happens when he is tired so I am a little more tolerant of it.

Being More Comfortable in my own Skin...

Today was one of Gibby's Preschool days. While he was in class I sat with a couple of other mothers in the lobby chatting about this and that. They each had a younger child with them (around 6 mo- 9 mo) and the topic came up of 'going back to work'. Both spoke about it as though it was unavoidable and I got the impression that it was for different reasons, none of which were a desire to actually be at work. Both mothers cited financial reasons and one of them also cited the fear of losing seniority. I know this is one of the things that frustrates me. Not that I can't be home. Because I can. It is because it has become a luxury to be able to stay home. A few months ago, my sister sent me an article about daycare funding which summed it up for me... "Fund the Child". If the money follows the child, then people could determine more freely how to provide care for their children. By putting the funding solely into daycare, it leaves little option for those who might be 'on the cusp' of affording to stay home. I want more choice and I want social acceptability to come with all the choices. If, as a society, we only put dollars towards one choice then we are saying that that is the only choice with value. Personally, I think it might even be one of the least valuable choices for the children.

Me, the stay at home mom....

A conversation happened this weekend that made me think about what I am as defined by what I do... I am a stay at home mom. I know why I am. I know that my reasons are my own and I know that as far as I can see it is the best for me, my kids and my family. I am also a fabulous person, intelligent, talented, gifted in many ways and I do not feel that I am wasting my life by being at home, but every so often I talk to someone and I can tell that they think less of me because of my staying home with my kids. I can tell that they have an idea about 'the kind of person' that stays home with their kids. Now, in the conversation this weekend, this was not how I was treated. We weren't even talking about me, but I keep coming back to it in my head and I wonder how many people would stay home if they didn't feel they would be judged and de-valued because they chose to do that.

And then I think... do I judge people who chose to go to work and put their kids in daycare? Probably. I don't want to be that 'judgy' person, but if I am honest, I probably do. But I know a lot of that is because I am paying for part of their daycare with my taxes and no one subsidizes my staying home to care for my kids.

Parenthood Blues...

It's a real struggle trying to do this job. You do what you think is right and you find things working for you at home and then you find out it isn't working at school. You want to be able to send your kid out into the world and have them function the way they do when you are around... but they don't, not always, not with my kid.

I am at a loss. Other than attending school with him, I am not sure what I can do.

Behaving Myself

I avoided eye-contact and all other contact with the other Mom when picking Oliver up from drama class today. He reported a "good class" and all is well. I tried to arrive as close to pick-up time so as to minimize possible interaction.

My house is a mess. A real big mess. Despite my efforts yesterday, it is a big job. I can just imagine what it will look like when I return from Toronto next Sunday night. I plan to keep my eyes closed until Monday morning. I did tidy up the kitchen a bit and the front entryway was tidied up yesterday but every use serves to undo anything I do.

My teeth hurt. I need to get to the dentist. I need to take Oliver too. I shall have that on my list for a March activity.

Moving On... in more ways than one...

1. My New Theatre project now that Crimes is done - BABY - We had our first "real" rehearsal last night. We already had a read-thru about a month ago but 2 of the 6 leads were missing and at a read-thru you don't really do any concrete work. Last night we started working on the music. I was pleased with the "reassignment" of the singing parts in The Ladies Singing Their Song. I look around the room and know that I am the only one of the chorus who looks remotely old enough to have had 10 children (my bit in the song now). I was also pleased because Magnolia and Becky are in the song too (yay!). I think it will be cool. For the 2 songs we worked on I was on the bottom. I figure I will be for the most part because there are a lot of Sops in this show and being a Mezzo will make me a likely choice for the bottom. He said it will change song to song, but I imagine I will be there most of the time. The sound was good. For a small cast we have a lot of tone and big sound. I like the fact that it will stay small so that the ensemble gets used. A bigger cast doesn't make sense in this show.



2. We (myself and Paul's mother -see previous post) received an email from the theatre school. I was pleased with the email, although partially embarassed but I am shaking that off because I did try to walk away without an incident but was unsuccessful. There are only 5 weeks left and Oliver is away for one of them so hopefully the class can finish without incident. I am totally happy with how the school has dealt with the whole thing and I still think the other mother was out to lunch. I am satisfied that the behaivour of the two boys falls within the realm of "normal child behaviour" or else I would have heard something different from the school. I also liked the fact the e-mail clearly held both boys responsible for "annoying each other" as opposed to it only being Oliver at fault. They also stated that they felt the behaviour from both children was normal for the age group. So I am trying to move on. I have instructed Oliver to stay away from Paul and I wrote back to say that I would endeavour to stay away from Paul's Mother and that I thought it would be pretty easy for me to do this.

Yelling Doesn't Usually Help the Situation...

I know that. Why do I do it? I am not sure myself. At least I do it less now than I used to...

Principal punched in face by angry parent...

I periodically surf the yahoo news articles and saw the above headline (or something like that). The article didn't give many details other than a male parent entered the school, was arguing with the female principal and then began hitting her in the face. He is now being charged with assault. This story bothers me because something like this can happen, and what bothered me even more was the "comments" afterwards. Many commenters were appalled but many were applauding the hitter and asking "what did the Principal do to create the situation?" as though that mattered. Sad sad sad.... Many people ask me if I intend to go back to teaching. I don't know. I have had 'scary' parent-teacher interviews where I signalled to the teacher at the next table over to 'rescue' me from an aggressive parent. I have had parent meetings that have caused me to cry later on. I didn't just stop teaching because I wanted to be home with my kids (although that was part of it), but also because I was so tired of dealing with the parents of the children I taught. Not all of them. The majority were amazing, supportive people. However, the terrible few, usually the parents of my most challenging students, made the job not worth going back to. At least not for a while.

So I miss the work. I miss the kids. But I don't miss feeling like with some kids I care more about their learning than their parents. And I don't miss being treated like an idiot by people who have a major teacher-hate thing.